I'd like to stop second-guessing myself, thanks brain

[estirose]

The good news is that my rearchiving project has finally gotten into a format I like and is going well. Currently, it's mostly stuff from Dreamwidth (like a recent set of Kamen Rider Gaim ficlets and commentfics) and the current Dots (archiving through Charmed).

But instead of feeling confident about my writing, my inner editor-type processes are working overtime. The ones that say that I can't write and maybe it's a good thing that nobody reads a lot of my fics, and maybe I shouldn't post to AO3, just into my own little corner so that people don't have to read my goshawful fics.

It's even affecting my in-progress stuff, which I'll go into under cut.


So, one of the things I'm trying to get done is a somewhat academic essay on the Fatal Frame games. I've been stuck the last two weeks because the canon ending just didn't make sense to me and so I spent a while replaying the games just to understand. In the middle of the Kiryu house, I finally figured it out.

Trouble is, Fatal Frame II has the most detailed, complex storyline, especially when it comes to the relationships between people, which is what the essay covers. There is so much to cover just with the Itsuki and Mutsuki / Yae and Sae close friendship, the relationship between Ryokan and his daughters, and every other relationship that I think I got really tired when I got to Mio and Mayu. And of course, Mio and Mayu are the most reliant on cutscenes as opposed to everyone else's documentation, which makes it harder to figure out what's going on (and I forgot about DCB's cutscenes, whoops, will have to add them).



Michi is my genderbent Micchy, where I'm trying to explore how Micchy's path would be similar/different as a girl. So far, it's not too much. Thing is, I was throwing out pondery things in one post and in one of those, that Kouta is at least attracted to Michi. This shows up in the latest chapter (5) of Smoothing Skirts, which I hope doesn't turn people off because it looks like a setup for a Kouta/Michi relationship. (Which I didn't mean at all, because Michi herself knows that a relationship with a "street rat" four years her elder is not a good idea, to say the least.)

What I really wanted to focus on was how Michi is having doubts about her belt and her reasons for wanting to take Kouta's belt away from him. Part of this is because she wants to protect him, but I'm worried that it comes off as a romantic thing than Michi protecting herself.

One of the things I also wanted to explore was how Michi felt about fighting her brother. I intentionally mentioned that she was bruised from Takatora's shield throw - I don't think it was bad enough to be life-threatening for obvious reasons, but it was quite a hit. Thankfully, she lives with Takatora and can easily explain the bruise as "running into something" (in canon, Micchy collides with two trees in his fight against Takatora, as well as getting hit extensively by his unknowing older brother, so it's technically the truth in this case).

My PB muse for Michi looks a lot like a feminine Micchy, and she was dressed in her dancing gear, so it is possible for her to possibly be mistaken by Takatora for just another "street rat" if he'd actually knocked her unconscious, but this is part of her continuing worry that he will figure out that she's Ryugen and take her team away from her.

Comments

[reka]

I think it's pretty clear that you're not going for Kouta/Michi. Does Takatora really not know that Ryugen (or at least one of the riders) is a girl? Oh Takatora.

I run into doorknobs regularly (I'm not so good at movement planning) and they can leave some pretty nasty bruises, so unless Takatora investigates further I think it's pretty plausible. And as a girl, Michi could buy makeup to cover them up without anyone necessarily suspecting anything.

I'm glad the rearchiving project is going well! I should do something like that someday for my five bazillion screenshot files so I can actually find information I need sometimes.

[estirose]

Yeah, screenshot files can be annoying to organize, can't they? I'm just hoping to archive almost all my fics (maybe minus an explicit Kiva fic or two).

Takatora does know Ryugen's a girl now thanks to fighting Michi and realizing that the person is female, either by the sounds she made while fighting him or by hitting her chest area during battle (I don't think that the armor makes it obvious that she's a girl).

Unfortunately for Michi, getting battered around has made her kind of stiff, and while she's getting really good with concealer, she's still kind of scared that her brother, an experienced fighter, will figure things out.

[reka]

I've habitually taken screenshots of things I want to remember since I've had a computer that could do that easily, but unfortunately they're not organized by topic at all-- the files are basically just "screenshot_time." Topic would have to be done completely manually.

Yeah, the risk is that he knows what bruises from fighting look like. The advantage, that it's Takatora and Takatora doesn't see what he doesn't expect to see, could be lost if he thought she could be injured from bullying/Invess/other abuse/etc.

[estirose]

I can think of several solutions requiring folder aliases, but those are still all manual work since you can't file automatically by file name.

She's so lucky he's oblivious and wouldn't walk in on her and see the biggest bruise on her back. That shield hit looked nasty in canon. I don't want him figuring it out until the equivalent of canon 15 or 16. (I figure "I collided with a door" will work to explain her bruises.) He's still going to have issues with Michi being an Armored Rider, and even possibly more because she's his younger sister as opposed to his younger brother. (She still needs to be brought in, though.) At least he has absolutely no reason to walk into her room and see her Driver unless he bizarrely decides to check on her after she's gone to bed - Micchy kept his on his bedstand, after all.

[reka]

I wonder if he kept his driver on the nightstand after he realized that his brother was involved. But yeah, Takatora isn't likely to walk in on her. I think he'd be inclined to knock, but he probably rarely goes in there for any reason.

And the makeup would probably make the bruises look less significant. If she's not usually clumsy Takatora might be concerned, but I assume that if she's been able to hide the wear and tear of dance practice Takatora doesn't think she is completely graceful.

[estirose]

Well, Takatora is pretty oblivious. And I doubt he'd need to go in to either version's room for any reason. Micchy/Michi is a good younger sibling. With no good reason to suspect, he'd probably be very surprised when he found out.

Poor Takatora. If only he didn't assume so many things.

More commentfic. (wry grin)

[estirose]

Michi pulled herself out of bed. There was school to attend, always, and she really was trying to keep her grades up before her brother started getting worried. She stretched slowly, aware that parts of her still hurt from the fight in the Forest. She was trying not to move too stiffly - her brother had bought the explanation of her not paying attention to where she was going at school and banging into a door, but best not to push her luck.

Reaching down to pick up her Driver and Lock Seed, she frowned as her hand encountered air. "What?" she said to the room, looking at her dresser.

Had she somehow forgotten to put her Driver on her dresser? Apparently so. Which meant that they were in her team clothes, which she had to put in her bag anyway.

A quick lookthrough turned into a frantic one as she couldn't locate the Driver anywhere. She'd been wearing it when she'd gotten home, hadn't she? She thought she'd put it on her dresser.

She couldn't look for it much longer and make her brother wonder why she wasn't going to school. So she reluctantly picked up her bag.

Hurrying downstairs, she noticed her brother just sitting down on one of the chairs. "Michi," he said gravely.

"Big brother," she said, "Is something wrong?" It would be a good thing to pay attention to how he was feeling, even if he didn't bother about how she felt. The only thing that mattered to him was her scores.

He looked down, and she froze as she realized what was in his lap. Her Driver and both Lock Seeds! She quickly schooled her face.

"We have to talk." He held the two items tightly.

"I have school, and don't you have work?" She could deal with this later, when she had time to formulate a plan.

"I already called in for you and for myself." He stood up. "Let's go upstairs." It wasn't a suggestion. It was a command from her older brother.

She was trying to think of how to salvage the whole thing. Sid's words to her came back, and she could always claim she found it. Why she wanted it? Well, she could always say that she had a secret admiration for the Beat Riders and wanted to be one, sort of. That would protect Team Gaim. After all, Bravo wasn't originally a Beat Rider, why should Ryugen be?

Following her brother into the parlor, she sat down opposite him. "I'd ask how long you've been involved, but...." He pulled out his laptop, opening it and entering his password.

On the screen was a document with a picture of her in her school uniform, her default form as Ryugen, and lines of information.

"I had them send me everything on Ryugen." His voice was unsteady, unusual for him. "Michi, what were you thinking? Joining a Beat Rider team, lying to me... becoming an Armored Rider."

He knew about Team Gaim. He knew she was part of it. "How much information on me is in there?"

"A whole biographical writeup and every report that anyone had made on Ryugen. Your medical records. Now answer me. What were you doing on Team Gaim?"

She had to warn Kouta to dispose of his armor without telling him why. She couldn't bear to see him unhappy. That assumed that she could get out of the house any time soon.

"I needed something to buoy up my spirits after school. I get bored so easily there, and I figured if it made my scores better, you could hardly complain. But I knew that you wouldn't approve, so I couldn't tell you. I know my scores dropped after becoming Ryugen, but...."

She could live without being Ryugen if she could be with the others.

"Your scores were dropping before that," her brother corrected. "The highest drops were after you became Ryugen."

Michi nodded. "I'm sorry, big brother." If she acted genuinely sorry, she could always steal her Driver back somehow. She didn't like the attention he was now paying to her. She'd take cold and distant any day.

"My sources say you picked up a lost Driver." It was probably in the reports, she guessed. Apparently the Lock Seed dealer had reported it that way.

"Yes, I needed the driver to protect my team. I was intending to return it, but Kouta told me it was locked to me now, and I couldn't. And after that, I needed to be able to defend people." Mostly her team, though Kouta could sometimes be annoyingly infectious.

He looked at her like that was the stupidest decision she'd ever made. She just schooled her face so that it didn't reflect the worry she truly felt.

"Normally, I'd just have you put in a containment cell until your body got used to being without the Driver. You would have been going through it anyway, like hte rest of the Armored Riders."

She froze at that. "It's addictive?" That might explain some of how she'd ended up doing so many things with Kouta and why she'd found it so hard to face letting go of her own Driver. Of course, why any of them would have had to be put into containment was a question to be asked later.

"In a way. You'll learn why shortly." He was staring at her file, then he abruptly closed the lid on the computer. "Get into something more comfortable."

Michi got up, wincing a little at her bruises. "I'll be right back."

"Stop. How hurt were you?" Her brother asked. "Let me look."

She felt a vindictive happiness as she shrugged out of her jacket and lifted the back of her shirt so that he could see exactly what he'd done to her. It was nothing compared to what else he'd done in her life, but it was a start.

"We're going to the doctor as soon as we're finished with what I need to show you. I'll meet you in the hallway."

Michi tried to hurry out of there as fast as she could. Changing into something more casual but respectable, she joined her brother in the hallway. He led her out to the car, and they were soon being driven to his work. Even she couldn't help but gawk a little as he led her to the other side of the crack that Kouta must have seen.

He handed her the Driver. "Put it on, it's safer." She noted that she hadn't gotten her Lock Seed back, but followed his instructions.

The trip to wherever they were going was mostly silent. Michi didn't really have anything to say to him, and he was busy concentrating on their route.

"Here we are." He stopped, and motioned for her to join him. She saw that they were on the edge of a cliff. "Look."

She saw where he was pointing. "That's...." she'd wanted to say cliffs, but they were plainly structures.

"Remnants of a civilization absorbed by Helheim forest, years ago." His expression was grim. "Yggdrasil estimates that Helheim will take over our world in less than ten years."

Her legs were giving out, and Michi was glad that she'd been wearing pants on this trip as she landed on the ground. "But the people...." Team Gaim. She had to protect Team Gaim.

"We can save about a billion people. Maybe more, if you get involved." He was talking to the air more than to her, she was sure.

"More if I get involved?" she asked. She was aware of how dumb that sounded.

"Yggdrasill actually needed you last year, but I wanted to protect you. I guess you're a Kureshima - you don't need protecting." She looked over as he knelt beside her. "These Drivers that we're wearing convert Helheim Fruit safely into Lock Seeds, and then allow the wearer to safely absorb the Lock Seeds as nutrition. Since the Forest will kill the native vegetation, we'll need them to stay alive."

She looked down at her Driver. "But the Armored Riders use them to fight." Best to let him think she was on his side.

"We needed these versions so that they could be distributed among people who could test them without any preconceptions." He stood up, helping her stand as well. "We needed the test data so that we could see what we needed to improve. I understand that someone was ecastic that Ryugen was female."

From his expression, she guessed that her older brother wasn't thrilled about this.

"You said that you would have tossed me in a containment cell to fix whatever the Driver did to me," she said, to prompt him to get off the topic.

"Yes. If I'd had to. We'll be capturing them shortly in little groups to start the process. It's the least we can do for them." He looked over at her. "It's time for you to leave behind this... group of yours and join Yggdrasill. We need you far more than they ever would."

She doubted that. Nobody could need her more than Team Gaim. But she had to pretend to be the good younger sister until she found a way to make sure all of them had the Drivers. At least Kouta had one, and she just had to work out a way for him to keep it and not be captured and separated from it. Even if it meant that he would keep doing those silly heroics of his, it would keep him safe.

He wouldn't have to sacrifice for his team. Now it was all her turn.

"I understand. I'll work with you." But only to keep the Team safe.

Her brother smiled. "Thank you." He stepped away from the cliff. "Now, let's get you to a doctor...."

Maybe she needed one of those. But her mind was too full of plans to really think about it, and she followed him back in silence.

Re: More commentfic. (wry grin)

[reka]

Oh, I really like this alternate way of Takatora finding out. Michi spinning plans in her head even as her brother has a Serious Talk with her strikes all the right notes. And the line about her value for gathering data is great. It might be tricky for her to get her lockseed back, though. She can work for Yggdrasil without it, after all, although it is good for protection. And Ryouma might interfere in some way if she didn't get it back, with or without Takatora's knowledge.
So Takatora knows she knows who the white armored rider is?

Re: More commentfic. (wry grin)

[estirose]

Thanks! Takatora has had no sleep as of the beginning of the fic and has had plenty of time to think about things at this point, including the fact that Michi had to have seen his Lock Seed(s) when she stole Watermelon (he remembered Sid's words and put things together). So he's presuming she knows that he's the Armored Rider that she fought. He's oblivious, not stupid.

Of course, he won't tell me how he found out, since I presume he's not going to walk into her room at awkward moments. Or at all, normally.

I suspect Ryouma is the happy person with the data, because Ryouma is always the happy person with the data. I also suspect Ryouma would be happier if she continued to transform - either as Ryugen or something else.

I'm discovering it's fun to work through Micchy's slowly twisting thought processes at the same time I'm trying to figure out subtle gender differences.

Takatora's idea is that Michi will not be anyplace that requires her to actually transform, and the only reason she still has the Driver is because it's his way of trying to still keep her safe, just in case. He's seen recordings of her fights and he's not eager for her to fight again, but at least if she gets stranded in Helheim, she'll be able to survive.

(Takatora is also quietly proud that Michi lasted longer against him than anyone else that day. Even if he's a bit upset about how many bruises she had from the battle. But at least she's all right. He does things she doesn't realize he's doing, like making sure she eats real, solid food even when she doesn't feel like it.)

Re: More commentfic. (wry grin)

[reka]

Maybe he had a rough day at work and decided to peek in on her sleeping to remind himself What He Fights For (which unfortunately backfired horribly). Or something like that. There are ways.

Yeah, the activated driver made it kind of obvious that he either was Zangetsu or was in charge of Zangetsu. And he knows Michi's smart.

I imagine trying to warn Kouta/the team while not tipping her hand will be just as effective as it is in canon. Do the Yggdrasil records note her relationships with team members at all? I would think not in a huge amount of depth if at all.

Re: More commentfic. (wry grin)

[estirose]

Yggdrasill's records just note that she's Team Gaim and was at the Garage a lot. Which is good, because if they went into any detail, Michi might be in a lot more trouble.

Yeah, I don't think it's going to be easy to warn the team. She might have to work within Yggdrasill to protect them. Or "protect" them. She's going to have to be very careful about how she communicates with Team Gaim for a while.

(My Ryouma muse is pouting at my Takatora muse, even though I'm telling him that he has Yoko now, he can stop plotting to get data from Ryugen.)

Re: More commentfic. (wry grin)

[reka]

Yggdrasil has the capability to bug the garage, but it's unlikely that they did so previously and as long as Michi is outwardly compliant I don't think Takatora would order it to be done without her knowledge.

I can just see Ryouma saying something like "Minato is physically trained! Your sister provides invaluable data on the average young woman-- not that I'm saying Miss Kureshima is anything less than extraordinary, of course."

Re: More commentfic. (wry grin)

[estirose]

Yes, and Michi is going to be *very careful* when she gets a chance to go back to Team Gaim, not to reveal her new knowledge. She might even have to encorge Kouta's heroics.

Michi herself is trying to delay the program to capture and contain the Riders. She doesn't like te idea of anybody but Team Gaim having drivers, but it'll keep Kouta's Driver safe.

Takatora, in the meantime, is reminding Ryouma (who I think of as Professor MOARDATAPLEASE including the capslock in my brain) that the current tests are almost over and it's not going to hurt the program to have Ryugen not transform. In the meantime, Ryouma is happily designing a Genesis Driver for Michi. *headdesk*

Re: More commentfic. (wry grin)

[reka]

With or without Takatora's knowledge? Probably at least not without his disapproval, since the Genesis Driver seems to be largely (if not mostly) designed for combat.

I bet that encouraging Kouta's heroics must be painful. It may be useful for her goals, but it puts the team in danger too.

Is it that the other Beat Riders are not worthwhile or that Gaim is the priority? Because yeah, if Yggdrasil's trying to avoid a panic, the belts in Project Ark would probably not be distributed by lottery (which makes it unlikely that they'd get them).

Re: More commentfic. (wry grin)

[estirose]

I kind of doubt tht he's going to tell Takatra that he's giving Takatora's little sister a GenesisDriver. As far as he's concerned, if he can't gather data on Ryugen, he can just start collecting data on Shin Ryugen. Especially since Michi's probably under him and he can just order her back to Team Gaim as a mole.

(Michi herself is kind of lukewarm on the new driver - she's interested in having the others get Drivers, not enhance her own abilities. She wouldn't object to being sent to mole Team Gaim.)

Kouta's heroic tendencies are a necessary evil if she can drive him to just put himself in danger instead of the whole team. She's not keen on that either, because she'd like Kouta to start dating Mai, but keeping that driver on him is more important.

As for the belts, Team Gaim is a priority, and she might send a few belts other teams' way if she likes them and they've helped Gaim in the past. Michi doesn't care about the rest of humanity as long as her team is saved.

and I need to stop writing.

[estirose]

I am currently trying to ignore my Ryouma muse. He got the idea that it might be a good idea to bring more of Team Gaim (like Kouta) for the lulz and to have a chip he can use if he needs it against Micchy.

----

"Why did you give my sister a Genesis Driver?" Takatora leaned in, trying to impress how bad an idea that was on Ryouga.

"She does need to be able to defend herself in Helheim. It's a dangerous place." The scientist hadn't lost his slight smile. "With the upgraded driver, you don't have to worry about her. And it didn't take her long to adjust to a bow and arrow instead of a gun. Give your sister some credit, Takatora."

"Michi shouldn't even be in Helheim." Sure, she wasn't a bad fighter, but she didn't need to go anywhere near the Crack. "She's supposed to be researching under you."

Ryouma cocked his head. "These things happen. I need her to go to the Base Camp every so often. I need her insights. Besides, if you're so afraid for her, train her. She is brilliant, after all. It shouldn't take her long to pick up any skills you want to give her."

Takatora gritted his teeth. He didn't want to teach her how to fight - wouldn't have even if she had been a boy, he told himself. He'd seen the recordings of Michi sparring with her "teammate", he knew that she was determined to become better, but that didn't mean that she should put herself in danger. She was not expendable. However, she was a teenager, and while she was an extremely responsible, thoughtful one, he was afraid that she'd do something stupid against her best judgment if she was presented with a chance. "She's irreplacable."

"I'm aware of that." Ryouma cocked his head. "Unfortunately, I need her in her curent duties. That's why I gave her an upgraded driver - I figured you wanted her as safe as possible."

He was going to have to train her, wasn't he? For his peace of mind. "Next time, I want to know if you're giving her any new Drivers or Lock Seeds."

"I understand." Ryouma smiled more broadly. "Don't worry, she's in good hands."

Re: and I need to stop writing.

[reka]

Takatora keeps letting himself get manipulated by his underlings. Ryouma knows just how to say it so Takatora will agree with him. I wonder how Michi's able to fit training into her schedule now.

Is she really doing research for Ryouma in Helheim? He gave her the Driver for his own interests primarily, of course. Is she in on the existence of the Overlords, or is Ryouma keeping that a secret from her?

Gaah, yes, that does sound like something he'd do if he could manage it. Poor Team Gaim. He might have problems doing that behind Takatora's back, though. Kouta is not very good at keeping secrets.

Re: and I need to stop writing.

[estirose]

Apparently Michi is not keen on either training (she's not sure what to make of her brother being more interested in her life, but she's sure it's not good) or bringing anybody on Team Gaim in (mostly because she couldn't explain to them how she got them the job). When Ryouma asked her about Gaim, she pointed out that none of them would be suitable for Yggardsill unless he really wanted to hire another janitor. And she just (tried to) pull off "oh, no, big brother I don't need training, I'm not in Helheim that much." (big smile)

(Which is funny, because the reason Takatora knows that Michi has a new driver is because one of the techs asked him about the genesis driver because she was going into Helheim.)

Ryouma hasn't said anything about the Overlords, but Michi isn't stupid and she knows something's going on. He has her spend part of her day spying on Team Gaim (she takes her original Driver, and Ryouma gave her another lockseed), and the rest of it working for Ryouma, including going out and patrolling to keep the Inves away (which also gives Ryouma data).